Good afternoon, I am the 16thpresident of these United States. Pleasure to make your acquaintance through this future machine! Besides my top rail beard and first class hat I also saved the Union of our federal government and kept this country afloat. Luckily, I’m a goldarn good orator and in 1863, I gave a speech at Gettsyburg Pennsylvania about human equality that was so darn aces it got my mug on Mt. Rushmore and the penny! Look around, Abraham Lincoln is everywhere! Bully for Honest Abe! Unfortunately, some curly wolf Confederate sympathizer named John Wilkes Booth shot me while I was watching the play, “Our American Cousin.” The play wasn’t that great, but I would like to have seen the end. Yours truly and fine as cream gravy, Abraham Lincoln.
P.S. Since I get asked all the time, four score means eighty years. You’re welcome.
I’m Carlos Ray Norris, but everyone calls me Chuck. Some of my exploits have been exaggerated thanks to an internet meme called Chuck Norris Facts. Although some of the cool stuff is really true! I really was in the Air Force as an Air Policeman and I was one of the first westerners to be awarded the rank of 8thDegree Black Belt Grand Master in Tae Kwon Do. It is NOT true that my beard grew the rest of my body. It IS true that I invented the hybrid martial art style, “Chun Kuk Do.” I did NOT, however, invent it accidentally while punching bread into toast. It’s true that I’m an actor starring in films like “Return of the Dragon” and TV shows like “Walker, Texas Ranger.” Unfortunately, it’s also true that I endorse the home fitness Total Gym on infomercials. And I’m a super Christian who believes in creationism and writes terrible books about it, like “The Justice Riders.” It is NOT true that the story of Popeye is based on my childhood. It’s actually the story of Superman. Also, Boom! You’re pregnant.