My fellow Americans, let me start off by thanking the ERB for hosting this, ahh, most certainly epic rap battle. Hi, I'm Barack (don't call me Barry, I don't go by that anymore). I'm President of the United States of America -- the first African American to ever hold that position -- and a member of the Democratic party. I was, ahhh, born in Hawaii (America, last time I checked) and have a birth certificate to prove it. My parents divorced soon after, but hey, that didn't stop me from attending Harvard Law School, serving as an Illinois State Senator, and developing my ah, stuttery, "thoughtful", oratory style before running for president. I rode into office in the 2008 election on a promise of change and hope for a better country. During my term, I set into motion efforts to pull troops out of Iraq (mission accomplished August 2010), kill Osama Bin Laden (slam dunk, nailed it), close our special military prison Guantanamo bay (we're, ah, still working on it), and fix the economy (stimulus takes, ahh, some time). I openly support gay marriage, heck, I just want everyone to be as happy as I am with my beautiful, powerful, dignified, giant of a wife, Michelle.
Hello friend, I'm Mitt and I'm going to shake your hand, look you in the eyes and have a conversation. I'm the Republican nominee for president in the 2012 election. I may have been born with a "silver spoon" in my mouth (my dad ran the American Motors Corporation and had a presidential run himself) but that doesn't mean I'm not open to doing a little hard work. Maybe 47% of you could learn something from my example? I made my millions in corporate America, running a company called BainCapital, proved myself as President and CEO of the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Games Organizing Committee, and eventually served as Governor of Massachusetts (reducing the state's debt and introducing health care reform that's absolutely nothing at all like the health care reform Obama's pushing). Let's not let religion into this debate, but yes, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and yes I went door to door trying to convert people, and yes we used to allow multiple wives, and yes that means we kind of allowed gay marriage as long as the two (or more) ladies were also married to a dude. In all other cases, gay marriage makes me extremely uncomfortable. Let's fix America together!