Billy Mays here for Billy Mays’ bio! I got started selling As-Seen-On-TV products on the Atlantic City Boardwalk! Wow, check out those skills! Then I moved on to boat shows, auto shows and state fairs! That’s how I got the job selling OxiClean detergent, a huge value for only $19.99! Comes with a years worth of supplies! And don’t forget my next big job, Mighty Putty! It’s the easy way to fix, fill and seal virtually anything! Of course I only sold products that I actually used, like the Awesome Auger, the Big City Slider Station, The Ding King, The DualSaw, ESPN360, the EZ Crunch Bowl, Flies Away, The Gopher, Grater Plater, Green Now, Grip Wrench, Handy Switch, Hercules Hook, iCan health insurance, the iTie, Jupiter Jack, Kaboom, Mighty Mendit, Mighty Putty, Mighty Putty Steel, Mighty Putty Wood, Mighty Tape, Orange Glo, Quick Chop., Samurai Shark, Simoniz Fix-It, Tool Band-It Turbo Tiger, Ultimate Chopper, Vidalia Slice Wizard, WashMatik, What Odor?, and Zorbeez! I used and sold every one, every day, until I died of a heart attack from cocaine!!!!!!!
I am one of the founding fathers of these United States. I helped write the Declaration of Independence, which made official our separation from ye olde English Red Coat bastards. I was also the president of Pennsylvania before we had a president for the entire country. ‘Tis true, I was verily amazing and fairly damn quotable, like my Thirteen Virtues to living a better life, which still hold up pretty well if you ask me. I was also quite the inventor, myself. Everyone knows it was I who attached a key to a kite, proving lightning was electricity. That’s how I invented the lightning rod, however I also created the first fire department, the first lending library, bifocals, the glass armonica, the Franklin stove, a flexible urinary catheter, the odometer, swim fins, the “long arm” used for reaching things and the first post office of which I was the original postmaster general. I also wrote Poor Richard’s Almanak, which the people loved because of my hilarious wordplay. I was an idea man, for country and science! And I still think our nation’s bird should be the turkey, not that filthy eagle with such bad moral character dammit!