(Deep breath….deep breath) As a child, I was a terrible actor. I grew up on Tatooine as Anakin Skywalker, a slave child who built stupid, protocol droids that I later forget existed. In my twenties I went through a rough period where my body got pretty messed up. My face was burned and I became part robot. (Deep breath…deep breath) The good news was I got this awesome new body with a cape, helmet and sweet ass deep voice the ladies go crazy for. (Deep breath) I was so popular Rick Moranis played me in the movie "Spaceballs.” Anyway, I became the leader of the dark side, which is cool because women love a bad boy. I moved to the Death Star and wreaked havoc while trying to get my son to join me. Of course, he didn’t know he was my son so I had to cut off his hand and freeze his friend in carbonite. Then he cut off my hand (yes, the irony) and it turned into a big mess. Eventually I searched my feelings and redeemed myself by saving my son from some magic lightning. (Deep breath…deep breath)Then I was killed by that same lighting. But I lived on in ghost form to look down from the clouds and approve of my son who saved a planet of giant, dancing rodents. I’m also the voice of Mufasa in “The Lion King,” which is pretty damn cool. (Deep Breath).
Guten Tag, I’m zee man everyone lovez to hate. I’m ein terrible writer, horrible painter and probably zee verst person to ever live. I was zee Commander of Nazi Germany, also known as zee “Third Reich” and commander of the armed forces, including the Luftwaffe (air force). Some say I had a Napoleon Complex, probably because I only had one testicle. I blamed zee Jews for every problem I could zink of und so I tried to exterminate zem all. I started Vorld Var II by invading Poland because all zee zokes made me think they vere a dumb people. I made everyone Heil me and walk like idiots by goosestepping everywhere. Oops! Of course, I lost. I didn’t do much right at all. I even ruined anyone being able to rock a little mustache like mine in zee future. Sorry everyone! Hitler’s bad! Auf wiedersehen!