HEY, BROTHERS!! WELCOME TO MY BIO, HULKAMANIACS! MY REAL NAME IS TERRANCE GENE BOLLEA AND I’M A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER FROM THE WWF, THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!! I WAS THE CHAMPION FROM 1989-1992 UNTIL RIC FLAIR TOOK MY BELT!!! AHHHHHHH, THAT STILL MAKES ME MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! SORRY, THAT WAS MY ROID RAGE. I USED TO HAVE A PRETTY SERIOUS STEROID PROBLEM. I’VE ALSO GOT TYPE II DIABETES, BROTHER!!! YOU CAN CHECK OUT MY ENTIRE FAMILY ON THE VH1 REALITY SHOW “HOGAN KNOWS BEST.” THERE YOU CAN SEE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE LINDA WHO IS DIVORCING ME BECAUSE I CHEATED ON HER, MY DAUGHER BROOKE THE "SINGER” AND MY SON, NICK, WHO ALMOST KILLED SOMEONE IN A CAR ACCIDENT! MY FAMILY’S PRETTY TROUBLED, BROTHER! BUT AS LONG AS I GOT THIS SWEET ASS BLONDE HAIR, MY BANDANA AND A YELLOW SHIRT I CAN RIP OFF THEN OHHHHH YEAHHHHH, THESE TWENTY-FOUR INCH PYTHONS ARE COMIN’ FOR YOUUUU!!!!
Sugar is sweet and so is honey and Macho Man is on a ROLL THAT CAN’T BE STOPPED!! My real name is Randall Mario Poffo, but I turned into the MACHO MAN when I started wrestling for the WWF. And I was the best, YOU HEAR ME? Everyone else out there is garbage! Garbage! I was the world heavy weight champion six times! I also did a lot of TV and voice over work because of my deliciously raspy voice! OH YEAHHHHH! Which reminds me, SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM! Workin’ for Slim Jim too was barely healthier than wrestling, but it was good to be back on TV and SHOUTIN’ ABOUT THINGS! Unfortunately, I died recently due to a massive heart attack while driving. It just makes me wanna give atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease the biggest DAMN elbow drop of its crappy, little LIFE!!! OHHH YEAHHHH!!!
I was born Yuri Irsenovich Kim and I was the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. I was the best, just ask anyone in North Korea, but nobody else. Everyone in North Korea thinks of me and my daddy as Gods and not just because we force them to in school! I was the coolest leader in the world, you could tell by my bouffant hairdo and women’s sunglasses and I did not like people making fun of me, like those South Park douchebags! I tried very hard to have their movie banned because I was WONDERFUL! Nobody is allowed to think anything else! That’s why I imprisoned American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling. Only people who think I am great are allowed in my country! I also kept my country on a a closed cyber network network. No outside internet for North Korea! We don’t need outside knowledge of people saying I’m not handsome and smart and sexy! Recently, I died of a heart attack, or as the North Koreans said, I died of overwork dedicating my life to the people. Now, my son, Kim Jong Un, will rule North Korea with an iron fist and the people will be happy about it. HAPPY, hear me?! Because we have no problems! What famine? Twenty-two million people didn’t die from famine! One or two meals a day is plenty! We don’t need outside help! We’re perfect! Everyone here is perfect! That’s all you need to know!