My name… is Moses. I'm a religious leader, lawgiver and a prophet and I've got a new book out called the Old Testament. It's about how I led the Hebrew people out of Egypt and took them all the way to the land of Milk and Honey. It wasn't easy convincing the Egyptian Pharaoh to "let my people go" -- it took a few plagues. Frogs, Locusts. Blood. That kind of thing. We also made a short (forty-year) side-journey where we wandered the wilderness and I received God's law for his chosen people, the Ten Commandments. Yeah, my good friend God made a habit of appearing to me as a burning bush.
Ho ho ho! Santa Claus is coming to town! I'm the North Pole's jolliest resident, and I've been bringing toys to good little boys and girls all around the world for hundreds of years! The bad ones get coal. And believe me, I know whether you've been bad or good, so, seriously, for goodness sake, be good. It's not easy for my elf workers to build toys and treats for billions of children, and it's definitely not easy for a few reindeer to drag those same toys (and my jolly "bowl full of jelly" stomach) all over the world, but we do it every year because it's Christmas! Merry Christmas to all!