Gosh! I’m like, the best dancer in my entire school. And my favorite animal is the Liger, but you probably don’t even know what that is. Yeah, I’m awesome, even though my house kinda sucks. I live at home with my lame Uncle Rico and my brother who, like, fell in love with this Lafawnda girl on the dumb computer. We’ve also got stupid Tina the Llama that I’ve gotta, like, feed all the stupid time! Geeze! Stupid Tina! It’s like I gotta keep tater tots in my pocket just to get through the day. My friends are cool, of course. My one friend Pedro ran for president of our class and won, pretty much because I wore this flippin’ sweet T-shirt telling people to vote for him. Pretty much everybody does what I say. I also have some sweet pictures of myself that my other cool friend Deb took. I’ll probably, like, send them to GQ or something so they can put them on the cover.
Bonjour! Je suis Napoleon Bonaparte, emperor of France! I started problems with every major European power and they eventually declared war upon me. I was such a bastard to them they named the war after me, the Napoleonic Wars! In fact, people named a lot of things after me that made me look bad. The Napoleon Complex is when somebody feels inferior because they’re short. But I wasn’t even that short! 5’6” isn’t that bad! People were always trying to take me down, Horatio Nelson busted up all but two of my boats, I got kicked out of Russia and got my ass handed to me in Waterloo by some European and Prussian dicks. Eventually people had enough of my bullshit and sent me to prison on Saint Helena island. Sounds great, right? No, it was terrible. Nasty and unhealthy and I eventually died there. My only regret is that I couldn’t humiliate and take over just one more country. Oh well, next time!