As always, I'm feeling charitable so allow me to give you some of my time. I'm Bill Gates -- America's richest, most handsomest man who's super good at computer programming. I was born in 1955 and started programing in high school. I was amazing at it--seriously, the best. My friends and I would exploit bugs in order to get free computer time. I got into Harvard, obviously, and spent all my time programming until I left to form Microsoft with my high school friend Paul Allen. I created the MS-DOS operating system which eventually led to Microsoft Windows. You know what? I don't care if Windows has a reputation for being "boring" or "buggy" or "the operating system equivalent of a person with no imagination" -- it's the most popular operating system in the world and made me a centibillionaire! But with great richness, comes great responsibility (taxes). Along with my beautiful wife Melinda, I've donated over $28 billion to charity! Windows. X-box. $28 billion. The Zune. Yeah, I think I've helped make the world a better place.
(Lights up. I walk on stage dressed in my trademark black turtleneck and jeans. The crowd goes CRAZY). We're going to make some history together today. 1955 -- I was born and given up for adoption. Not long after, I founded a little company called Apple along with my high school friend Steve Wozniak. (A giant picture of a bearded man appears on the massive screen behind my head). Together we created one of the first personal computers -- the Apple II, and helped popularize the graphical user interface (GUI) with Macintosh computers. Although the board of my own company kicked me out in 1985, I returned victorious in 1996 and took control again. In my hiatus from Apple I helped form a little company called Pixar and revolutionized the movie business. Back at Apple, I encouraged people to "Think Different" and invented the iPod and iTunes (revolutionizing the music industry), the iPhone (changing the way people interact with the internet and each other), the iPad (allowing people to play tiny video games while on the toilet) and continued to popularize Mac computers. You MIGHT have seen my "I'm a Mac" commercials. I'm being sarcastic, of course you did. Some people think that my great strength was as a marketer, and well, I did have a way of creating and promoting products that just got people excited. I made Apple one of the world's most profitable companies and continued working up until the day before I passed away from Pancreatic Cancer -- the one PC I couldn't beat.